Jokes Funny Jokes New 2017

###I Love My Wife - ###Medical Jokes###
एक जिम्मेदार पति डॉक्टर के पास गया और कहा कि डॉक्टर साहब मेरी बीबी बहरी हो गयी है, मैं कमरे से आवाज़ लगाते रहता हूँ पर वो सुन नहीं पाती है ..!!

डॉक्टर - आप उन्हें यहाँ ले आइये !

➽पति : नहीं डॉक्टर साहब,
##मै उससे बहुत प्यार करता हूं और इस बारे में उसे कुछ भी नहीं बताना चाहता###
आप कोई दवा दे दीजिये, जिसे मैं उसे बिना कुछ कहे खिला दू...

डॉक्टर : ठीक है, पहले आप एक टेस्ट कीजिये ...
आप 40 फ़ीट दूर से पूछिये - HOW ARE YOU...
➽यदि वो नहीं सुन पाये तो फिर 30 फ़ीट दूर से पूछिये...
फिर भी नहीं सुन पाये तो 20 फ़ीट .... फिर 10 फ़ीट...

➽तब आप आ के मुझसे मिलियेगा, उस हिसाब से मैं उनके लिए दवाईयां प्रिस्क्राइब करूँगा..!!

➽पति खुश हो कर रात को घर में जाता है, बीबी किचन में खाना बना रही होती है...

➽पति 40 फ़ीट से पूछता है...
डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या बना रही हो ????

➽बीबी जवाब नहीं देती...

➽30 फ़ीट से, स्वीटी आज खाने में क्या बना है ????
कोई जवाब नही मिलता....

➽20 फ़ीट से, जानू आज खाने में क्या बना है ????
नो रिस्पॉन्स...

➽10 फ़ीट से, डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या है ????

➽फिर भी कोई जवाब नहीं तो पति एकदम से पीछे चिपक के उससे पूछता है.....
डार्लिंग आज खाने में क्या है ?????

➽तब बेचारी पलट कर कहती है...

5 बार तो बता चुकी हूँ ....
"आलू के पराठे बनाये हैं..!!"
➽अब बेलन खा के मानेगा क
क्या।

➽अक्सर समस्या होती हमारे साथ है और हम ढूँढते दूसरे में हैं



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➽Late Night Party - Marriage Jokes
➽पप्पू .... पार्टी से रात को देर से घर गया।

➽अगले दिन दोस्तों ने उससे पूछा :-- बीवी ने कुछ कहा तो नहीं??

➽पप्पू :-- न न, कुछ खास नहीं... ये दो दांत तो मुझे वैसे भी निकलवाने थे..



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Corporate Rivalry - Office Jokes
Hilarious corporate rivalry; Beat this one!

Notice on entry gate of a Apple Store in New York: "Don't ever fart here; the smell will stay for ages. We don't have Windows"

And Tit for Tat from Microsoft in their premises: "Anyone visiting us here can be free to use Windows in case you need to release stale gas from yesterday's half eaten apple. We have been providing open window systems to the world since ages.

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Baap Se Badhkar - Hindi Jokes
दो आदमी आपस में बात कर रहे थे

एक आदमी बोला- मैंने अपनी वाईफ को 12 वी पास करवाई,
फिर बी. ए,
फिर एम .ए,
और उसकी सरकारी जॉब लगवा दी,
अब क्या करू? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . -

दूसरा आदमी बोला-
तू तो बाप से बढ़कर है
अब अच्छा लड़का देख कर ...उसकी शादी कर दे !



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Dukh To Apna Sathi Hai - Hindi Jokes
स्कूल में हिंदी के पीरियड में मास्टर जी ने पूछा,
"दु:ख तो अपना साथी है,
सुख तो आता जाता है।"
अर्थ स्पष्ट करें।


पप्पू- "बीवी हमेंशा घर में होती है,
साली आती जाती रहती है ।"
मास्टरजी ने भारतरत्न के लिए सिफारिश की है

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Khidki Ke Parde - Marriage Jokes
पत्नी: खिड़की के परदे लगवा दो,
नया पड़ोसी मुझे बार-बार देखने
की कोशिश करता है।"
.
.
.
.
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पति: एक बार ठीक से देख लेने दो,
वह खुद ही परदे लगवा लेगा.



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भारतीय पत्नी संस्कारों वाली होती है
वो कभी सबके सामने अपने पति को

"Abe Gadhe"
"Oye Gadhe"
"Sun Gadhe"

नहीं बोलती

इसलिए वो short में
"A.G. / O.G./ Suno G"
कहती है

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टीचर : 1869 में क्या हुआ ?

सुरेश :- गांधीजी का जन्म!

टीचर :- बिलकुल सही. बैठो निचे ..

टीचर :- पप्पू तु बोल.. 1872 में क्या हुआ...?

पप्पू :- गांधीजी ३ साल के हो गए... मैं भी बैठू क्या

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एक बार मोदी, राहुल और केजरीवाल शिप में बैठ के जा रहे थे,
अचानक एक जिन्न आया और बोला तुम लोग एक एक चीज समुद्र में फेंको अगर मैंने ढूढ़ लिया तो तुमको मार दूँगा, नहीं तो तुम्हारा गुलाम बन जाऊँगा ।

राहुल बाबा ने सुई फेंकी जिन्न ने 2 मिनट में ढूॅढ़ लिया और खलास कर दिया।

केजरीवाल ने अपना एक बाल तोडकर फेंका जिन्न ने उसे भी ढूढ़ लिया और केजरीवाल भी ख़तम।

मोदी ने भी कुछ फेंका जिन्न ने 30 मिनट ढूॅढा, बहुत ढूढा पर कुछ न मिला।

जिन्न ने कहा मेरे बाप मैं आपका गुलाम, फेका क्या था।

मोदी बोले - बेटे मैं तेरा बाप हूँ

"डिस्प्रिन " की गोली फेंकी थी ,
तेरे जैसे 10 भी मिलकर नहीं ढूढ़ पायेंगे ।

अब चल दिल्ली बहुत काम करना है देश का

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बस कंडक्टर ने यात्रियों से कहा ,''भाइयों गेट पर मत लटको , अंदर आ जाओ ,
किसी ने नहीं सुनी।
कंडक्टर ने फिर कहा , 'तुम्हें अपनी बीवी की कसम है ,अंदर आ जाओ ,
ये सुनते ही जो सीट पर बैठे थे वो भी गेट पर लटक गए

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Patni (pati ke birthday par): "Kya gift doon?"

Pati: "Gift rehne de bas thodi izzat diya kar aur tameez se baat kar liya kar"

Patni (5 minute soch kar): "Nahi main to gift hi doongi?"

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Daaru peene se pehle jo glass me ungli dubo kar do boond neeche giraayi jaati hai...
...
...
...
usse sharabiyon ke granth me sanskar kaha gaya hai.

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If ever u feel overloaded by life, wife or work ....
Immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center & place order for any 1 or more of the following Antidotes:

1. Wife Irritation Neutralizing Extract (WINE)
2. Refreshing Unique Medicine (RUM)
3. Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER)
4. Vaccino Officio Depression Killing Antigen (VODKA)
5. Wife High Infusing Suspicion Killing Energy Yeast (WHISKEY)

This is issued in public interest by Buddies for Eradication of Work Disease Association (BEWDA)

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Manager told a joke. Everyone in the team laughed except one guy...

Manager asks him - "Didn't you understand my joke????"

The guy replied - "I resigned yesterday"

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Neta ji gaanv mein sabha karne ja rahe the lekin gaanv se pehle hi unki car ke neeche ek kutta aa gaya.

Kutta mar gaya lekin car bhi accident ki wajah se kharab ho gayi

Neta ji ne driver ko madad laane ke liye gaanv mein bheja.

Thodi der baad jab driver lauta to uske gale mein dher saari malayein padi thi.

Neta ji ne poochha ki toone aisa kya kiya jo tera itna samman hua?

Maine to sirf itna kaha ki neta ji ki car ka accident ho gaua hai.....
Kutta mar gaya....

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Khaana khaate huye pati ne patni ko aawaz lagaai

"Bhagyawan..! yeh jo tumne sabji banaai hai ise kya kehte hain"

Patni : "Kyun, kisliye poochh rahe ho?"

Pati : "Arre bhai mujhse bho to swarg mein poochha jayega.. Kya kha ke mare the

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Patni ki raat ko achanak 2 baje neend khuli to paaya ki pati bed par nahi hai

Khojne par pati dining table par baithe huye dikha
Pati hath mein coffee ka cup lekar soch mein doobe huye deewar ko ghoor rahe the.

Patni chupchap pati ko coffee ki chuski lete huye baar baar aansu ponchhte dekhti rahi.
Phir patni pati ke paas gayi aur boli "Kya baat hai dear? tum itni raat mein yahan kya kar rahe ho?"

Pati ne nazar uthaai aur kaha "Tumhein yaad hai 14 saal pehle jab tum sirg 18 saal ki thi?"
Patni bhaav vibhor ho gayi aur boli "Haan yaad hai"

Kuchh ruk kar pati bola "Yaad hai jab tumhare judge pitaji ne hamein meri car mein ghoomte huye dekh liya tha"

Patni "Haan haan yaad hai....
Pati "Yaad hai tab unhone mujhe dhamkaya tha aur kaha tha is-se shaadi kar lo nahi to tumhein 14 saal ke liye andar kara doonga"

Patni "Haan haan woh bhio yaad hai"

Pati apni aankh se aansu pochhte huye bola "Aaj main jail se chhoot gaya hota"

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3 dost daaru peete rahe the..

Boy 1 - Bhai hum log bullet se Laddakh chalenge.

Boy 2 - Haan bhai chalenge.

Boy 3 - Lekin kaise chalenge apne paas to cycle bhi nahi hai?

Boy 1& 2 - Saale hamein pata tha tu
Daaru nahi pee raha hai khaali namkeen kha raha hai.

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Husband Wife chori ke topic par baat kar rahe the

Husband : Jo insan chori karta hai, wo baad mein zarur pachhtaata hai.

Wife (romantic mood mein) : Aur tumne jo shaadi se pehle meri neendein churaai thi unke baare mein kya khayal hai?

Husband: Keh to raha hoon, jo chori karta hai wo baad mein pachhtata zarur hai.

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Santa Singh - Safola oil to de diya bhaiya. Iske sath ka gift nahin diya.
Shopkeeper - Iske sath koyi gift nahin hai.
Santa Singh - Ullu matt banao ismein likha hai "Cholesterol Free"

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Daaru ki wajah se barbad sharabi ne kasam li aur ghar se daaru ki khaali bottles phenkne laga

Pehli bottle phekte huye bola.. Teri wajah se meri naukri gayi
Doosri bottle phekte huye bola.. Teri wajah se mera ghar bika
Seesri bottle phekte huye bola.. Teri wajah se meri biwi chali gayi
Chauthi bottle uthaai to woh bhari huyi nikli to bola
Tu side mein hoja pagli... tu to bekasoor hai

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Beemar private employee se uski biwi ne kaha. Is baar janwaron ke doctor ko dikhao tabhi aap theek hoge.

Employee : Woh kyon?

Biwi:
1. Aap roz subah murge ki tarah jaldi utth jaate ho.
2. Ghode ki tarah bhaag kar office jaate ho.
3. Gadhe ki tarah din bhar kaam karte ho.
4. Bandar ki tarah seniors ke ishaare par naachte ho.
5. Ghar aakar parivaar par kutte ki tarah chillate ho.
6. Aur phir bhains ki tarah khaana kha kar so jaate ho.

Insaan ka doctor tumhein kya khaak theek kar paayega.

Dedicated to all Private Employees

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Thekedar se setting ho jaane ke baad clerk ne sahab ko bata kar file rakhi.
Sahab ne likha "Approved"
.
.
Do din baad thekedar vaade se mukar gaya.
Clerk ne sahab ko bataya.
Sahab bole ab kya karein?
Clerk ke dimaag ka kamaal dekhiye
Clerk ne kaha - Sir "Approved" ke pehle "Not" likh deejiye.
.
.
Ab thekedar pareshan. phir se setting huyi.
Clerk phir se sahab ke saamne file lekar pahuncha.
Sahab jhallaye.. Ab kya karein?
Phir clerk ke dimaad ka kamaal dekhiye
.
.
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Clerk ne kaha sir "Not" mein kewal "e" laga dein means "Note Approved"

Ab aap hi bataiye ki desh kaun chala raha hai.

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Gandhi ji ne kabhi nahi socha hoga ki insaan private job bhi karega.
Warna woh ek aur bandar banaate jo hath se apna pichhwada dhak kar baitha hota.

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Ek pati ne ne apni patni se poochha ki "Agar main aapko 2-4 din na dikhoon to aapko kaisa lagega??"

Pati se khushi ke maare raha nahi gaya aur usne bol diya "Bahut achcha lagega"
Bas phir kya
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Patni Monday ko nahi dikhi
Tuesday ko nahi dikhi
Wednesday ko nahi dikhi
Thursday ko bhi nahi dikhi
Friday ko jab aankh ki soojan kam huyi to thoda thoda dikhi.

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Bachpan Ke Cricket Rules

1. 8 eenton (bricks) ki wicket hogi.

2. First ball try hogi.

3. Battin team umpiring karegi.

4. Baal deewar ko direct lagi to six aur direct baahar gayi to out.

5. Last batsman akela batting kar sakta hai.

6. Jo beech mein game chhodega usse kal nahi khilayenge.

7. Jo ball baahar phenkega woh khud lekar aayega aur nahi mili to khareedkar layega.

8. Chhote bachche sirf fielding karenge, unhein last mein batting denge.

9. Jab andhera ho jaayega to slow ball karaai jaayegi.

10. Deewar ko lag kar catch hua to not out hoga.

11. 3 ball lagaatar wide to over cancel.

12. Jo jeetega woh agli baar batting karega.

13. Jiska bat hoga wohi opening karega.

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Ek dafa ek Badshah ne khushi mein sab kaidi riha kar diye.
Un kaidiyon mein badshah ne ek bahut hi buzurg kaidi ko deka..

Badshah: Tum kabse kaid mein ho?
Buzurg: Aap ke abba ke daur se.
Yeh sun ke Badshah ki aankhon mein aansu aa gaye aur kaha
.
.
.
Isko dobara kaid mein daal do, yeh abba ki nishani hai.

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Wife : Phone pe itni dheemi awaaz mein kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Husband : Behan se.
Wife : To phir itni dhimi awaaz me kis liye?
Husband : Teri hai, Is liye...

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Santa Singh : Aaj mere kutte ne anda diya hai.
Banta Singh : Paagal hua hai kya, kutta kabse anda dene laga.
Santa Singh : Yeh mera style hai. Maine apni murgi ka naam "Kutta" rakha hai.

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Employee: Sir meri biwi 5-6 dinon ke liye kahin ghoomne jaana chahati hai. Chhutti chahiye.

Boss: Nahi milegi.

Employee: Thank you sir! Main jaanta tha museebat mein bas aap hi mere kaam aayenge.

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Pati: Aaj sabzi mein namak thoda sa zyada ho gaya hai.
Patni: Namak theek hai, sabji kam pad gayi. Bola tha na zyada laaya karo.

Point - Wife is always right!
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Pati: Aaloo ke parathon mein aloo to nazar nahi aa raha hai.
Patni: Chup chap khaa lo..!! Kashmiri pulaav mein kya Kashmir nazar aata hai?

Point - Bola tha na, wife is always right!!
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Pati: Teen din se lagaatar lauki khaa raha hoon, ab ek mahina nahi khaunga.
Patni: Yehi baat paan masale ke liye kyun nahi bolte?

Point - Accept it, wife is always right

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What is checkmate?

You tell your wife "I saw a lady, looked exactly like you"

and wife asked "Was she hot..??"

You can't "NO"
You can't say "YES"

This is checkmate...
Agreed or not...

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By and large year 2015 passed peacefully, but three questions left unanswered.
1. Why Katappa killed Bahubali?
2. Who was driving Salman's car?
3. How many husbands did Indrani Mukherjee have?


Finally the answer...

The missing husband of Indrani was driving Salman's car and told Katappa to kill Bahubali because Bahubali saw the accident.

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I had a sparrow as pet but it flew away one day...
Then I had a squirrel but it ran away too..
Then I planted a tree and they both came back...


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One day I got chips and gave it to my friends they took and ran away...
Then I got mixture and gave it to my friends they took and ran away...
Then one day I got alcohol they all came back with chips and mixture.

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Divorce ke case mein court ne order diya ki pati ko aadhi salary patni ko deni hogi.

Pati (Khushi se naachte huye) : Saala ab se aadhi salary to mere paas rahegi.

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Ise kehte hain bhasha ka fark

Agar aap patni ko kahein ki
"Aaj tum hatyarin lag rahi ho" to do dinon tak khana nahi milega

Lekin agar kahein ki
"Aaj tum kaatil lag rahi ho" to shaam ki chaaye bhi pakodon ke sath milegi

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Santa: Yaar teri biwi mar gayi to toone saali se shaadi kyon kar li, kisi aur se kyon nahi.

Banta: Yaar ab nayi saas ko jhelne ki himmat mujhmein nahi hai.

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Ek ladki Baba se: Baba mere do boy friends hain, Ramesh aur Suresh.
Bataiye meri kis-se shaadi hogi? Kaun hoga woh lucky aadmi?

Baba: Tumhari shaadi Ramesh se hogi aur Suresh lucky hoga.

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Dil ke operation ko "by pass" kyun kehte hain?
Socho socho
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Socho
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Kyun ki agar operation theek ho gaya to pass, warna bye.

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Mom: Son, get up its time to go to college.
Son: No Maa.. I don't want to go to college.
.
.
Mom: Give me 2 reasons why don't u want to go to college
Son: 1. All students hate me
2. All staff hates me..
.
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Mom: Ooh! That's not a reason
C'mon, you must go to college
Son: Give me 2 reasons why I should go to college
.
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Mom:" 1. U are not a kid, you are 47 years old
2. U are the Principal of the college
.
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Moral: Sirf bachchon ka hi man nahin karta chhutti karne ka.

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Ek secretary apne boss ke sath train trip pe ja rahi thi
Raat ko woh kaafi deir tak Boss ko apne kisse sunaati rahi

Ke achanak boss ne poochha: "Kya khayal hai aaj raat hum donon miyan biwi ki tarah guzarein"

Secretary sharmate huye boli: Sir, jaisi aap ki marzi.

Boss: To chalo phir apni bak bak band karo aur mujhe sone do.

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HITLER said:
.
.
"War is better than love, because at the end of war you either live or die
.
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But
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At the end of love, U neither live nor die"

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Husband gets ready to go for yoga. Wife wakes up

Husband : Honey are you coming along with me for yoga?
Wife : What do you want to say!! I am fat?
Husband : No problem, don't come if you don't feel like!
Wife : What do you mean?? Am i lazy??
Husband : Honey .. Why are you getting angry??
Wife : That means i fight with you all the time?
Husband : When did i say that?
Wife : So it means i am lying??
Husband : Okay fine i am not going!!
Wife : I understand everything, actually you didn't want to go!!

The husband decides to remain silent and goes off to bed

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Biwi ki pray: Hey bhagwan mere pati ko tarakki de, daulat de, car de, bangla de.
Mujhe tumse kuchh nahi chahiye. Tu sab kuchh mere pati ko de.

"Us se kaise lena hai yeh mera kaam hai"

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Son: "Wife, biwi, patni, shrimati, aurat, ardhangini, gharwali in sab mein kya antar hai...?"

Father: "Beta, itna mat socho museebat ek naam anek.

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The Most Powerful

Word Other

"I Love You"

Is

"Salary Is Credited"

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Uncle: What do you do son...?
Boy: Naari samman sewa ke liye kaam karta hoon
Uncle: Achcha to social worker ho
Son: No uncle, Facebook par ladkiyon ki photo like karta hoon.

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Employee: Sir, meri biwi 5-6 dinon ke liye mere sath bahar jaana chahati hai, chhuti chahiye.
Boss: Nahi milegi.
Employee: Thankyou sir! Main jaanta tha museebat mein aap hi kaam aayenge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Girlfriend: I don't think it's working out. Our relationship is dead.
IT Guy: Ek baar restart karke to dekh le.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom: "Beta tu baal kyun nahi katwata"??

Son: "Tum samajhti nahi ho, yeh fashion hai maa"

Mom: "Arre idiot...! Ladke wale teri behan ko dekhne aaye the aur tujhe pasand kar gaye hain."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father: Beta yeh lo Rs. 2000.

Son: Lekin papa yeh kis liye.

Father: Beta yeh teri mehnat ki kamai hai kyon ki jabse toone Whatsapp shuru kiya hai tab se raat ko security guard nahi rakhna pad raha hai

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patni ne pati ko phone karke poocha: Window nahi khul rahi hai. Kya karun?
Pati Kholta hua paani window par daalo aur phir try karo.
Patni: Pakka na.
Pati: Haan haan, karke to dekho jaadu sa kaam kareda.

Shaam ko pati ne ghar lautkar poochha...

Pati: Kya hua mera tareeka kaam aaya ki nahi.
Patni: Pata nahi, kyon ki ab to laptop hi start nahi ho raha hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa Singh sharab pee kar teesri manzil se gira to log uske aas-paas aa gaye aur poochhne lage
"Kya hua, kya hua"
Santa: Pata nahi main to khud abhi aaya hoon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mahila: Pandit ji ghar ki sukh shanti ke liye kaun sa vrat rakhoon?
Pandit ji: Maun Vrat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sahab meri biwi gum ho gayi hai, main kya karun?
Post master: Andhe ho kya, yeh post office hai, police station ja idhar kyun aaya hai.
Pati: Maaf kariye khushi ke maare samajh nahi aa raha kidhar jaaun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa: Tumhaari dukan par itni mithai rakhi rehti hai, kabhi khaane ka mann nahi karta?
Banta: Mann to bahut karta hai par papa maarenge, isliye chaatkar rakh deta hoon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aaj Ka Gyan

Dost aur biwi ko kabhi yaqeen dilane ki zarurat nahi hoti.
Kyun ki
.
.
.
Dost kabhi shak nahi karte aur
Biwi kabhi yaqeen nahi karti.
Gyan Samaapt

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phool wala: Sahab yeh phool apni girlfriend ke liye lelo.
Santa:Meri koi girlfriend nahi hai.
Phool wala: To phir apni mangetar ke liye hi lelo.
Santa: Woh bhi nahi hai.
Phool wala: To phir apni biwi ke liye hi lelo.
Santa: Meri biwi bhi nahi hai.
Phool wala: To phir aye duniya ke sabse khush-kismat insaan, meri tafar se yeh phool tere liye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thought of the day:

Aap bas pe chadhein ya bas aap pe chadhe
Dono mein hi ticket aapka hi kat-ta hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Game Show Host: Agar aapki biwi aur saas par koi tiger hamla kar de to aap kisko pehle bachaayenge?
Pappu: Beshak tiger ko, aakhir bechare bache hi kitne hain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Teacher: Hindi hamaari matri-bhasha hai, ise pitra-bhasha kyon nahi kehte?
Student: Kyon ki mata ji ne kabhi pija ji ko bolne ka mauka hi nahi diya.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

College mein ek badi umra ki ladki ko sab students bua bua kehte the
Ek din usne principal se shikayat kar di

Principal gusse mein class room mein pahunche aur class se kaha jo bhi is ladki ko bua kehta hai woh khada ho jaaye.

Ek ek karke saari class khadi ho gayi lekin ak ladka baitha raha

Principal ne poochha "To tum ise bua nahi kehte ho"

Ladke ne ek thandi saans li aur kaha "Main saari class ka foofa hoon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Musafir: Beta aap mujhe thoda paani pila denge.
Bachcha: Agar lassi ho jaaye to..
Musafir: Tab to bahut hi achcha hoga
Bachcha lassi le aaya. Musafir ne 5 lote lassi peene ke baad bachche se poochha
"Beta tumhare ghar mein koi lassi nahi peeta"
Bachcha: Peet to sab hain lekin aaj lassi mein chooha gir gaya tha aur ussi mein mar gaya.
Musafir ne gusse mein lota zameen par de mara.
Bachcha rote huye bola "Mummy inhone lota tod diya, ab toilet kya lekar jaayenge"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ek baar ek jinn ek aadmi ke bhesh mein beer peene bar pahunch gaya
Usne 12 bottle beer pe daali.
Bartender yeh dekha kar bada hairan hua aur usne poochha
Arre bhai tere ko chadhti nahi hai kya
Is par Jinn bola "Abbe main JINN hoon"
Bartender bola: Yeh lo chadh gayi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband : What would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I would take all money and leave you
Husband: Good I won $12, take it and get lost.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"8 secrets of success" U can find in your room.

1.ROOF says - Aim high
2.FAN says - Be cool
3.CLOCK says - Every minute is precious
4.MIRROR says - Reflect before u act
5.CALENDER says - Be up to date
7.DOOR says - Don't miss the opportunity
8.BED says - SAB BAKWAS HAI, Mast chadar odho aur so jao.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Modern Love:

Ek ladka blood bank mein: Sister mujhe ek botal khoon de do.
Sister: Blood group batao.
Ladka: Koi bhi chalega.
Sister: Kaise.
Ladka: Mujhe love letter likhna hai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q : Arrange marriage mein talaak kam kyon hote hain?
A : Jo apni marzi se shaadi nahi kar sakta woh saala talaak kya khaak lega.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gabbar: Aaj maine basanti ko nahaate waqt dekha.

Veeru: Kutte kameene main tera khoone pee jaaunga

Gabbar: Relax bewde... Main naha raha tha aur basanti jaa rahi thi... Jab dekho khoon pee jaaunga..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa's Son: Papa agar aapko Rs. 10 aur Rs. 5 raaste mein pade milein to aap kaun sa note uthaoge

Santa: Rs 10 ka note.

Son: Bas isiliye aap par joke bante hain. Dono bhi to utha sakte ho.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


How a man's situation changes:

Before marriage: Hero No. 1
After marriage: Coolie No. 1

Before marriage: I'm in love
After marriage: Why did I fall in love!

Before marriage: Jaan-e-man mat jao
After marriage: Jaan mat khao

Before marriage: Can't live without you
After marriage: Can't live with you

Before marriage: Kuchh to bolo
After marriage: Kabhi chup bhi ho lo

Before marriage: I love you
After marriage: Aaj phir aaloo

And the best one..

Before marriage: Milne kab aaogi
After marriage: Maaike kab jaaogi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Biwi: Zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Bechara Pati: Yahan to namak nahi mil raha hai.
Biwi : Hey Bhagwan, mere baap ko tumhare jaisa hi Soordas milna tha.
Mujhe pata tha tum to ho hi andhe
Kaamchor ho...
Nikamme ho....
Gadhe ho....
Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte
Bas bahaane banaate ho
Zindagi mein kuchh to kaam karo...
Tumhein nahi milega, isiliye pehle hi le aayi thi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Santa finds cigarette box in his daughter's room..
"Oh my god! she smikes"

The he finds whisky
"Oh my god! she drinks"

Then he saw a boy
"Thank God! its all his"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arrange marriage is...!
"While you are walking, unfortunately a snakes bites you"

But love marriage is...!

Dancing in front of cobra and singing
"Wanna be my chammak challo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Niagara Falls

Guide: I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. There are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Real truth about proposal:

Boys always start love with this sentence "We are friends"

AND

Girls always end love with this sentence "We are just friends"

Feel the difference

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 year old boy :- I love u mom
Mom:- Aww! I Love u too......

16 year old boy:- I love u mom
Mom :- Sorry! I have no money..
.
.
25 year old boy:- I love u mom.
Mom:- Hmm... kaun hai woh? kahan rehti hai?
.
.
Moral:- Maa sab jaanti hai
But the best is..
35 yr old man:- Mom I love you
Mom: Beta maine pehle hi bola tha uss kamini se shaadi mat karna

And the last one...
55 yr old man:- Mom I love you...
Mom:- Beta main kisi bhi paper par sign nahi karoongi...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ek aadmi ka dil kitna bada hota hai aur aurat ka kitna chhota aap khud hi dekh leejiye
Ek aurat ke dil mein sirf uske lover, apne pati aur apne bachchon ke liye hi jagah hoti hai
Lekin aadmi ke dil mein to
Apni lover
Dost ki lover
Bhai ki lover
Padosi ki lover
Bivi ki saheli
Behan ki saheli
Padosan ki saheli
Apni saali
BHai ki saali
Saale ki saali
Saali ki saheli
Saamne waali
Peechhe waali
Baaju waali
Upar wali
Baaju waali
Neeche waali
Sabji waali
Doodh waali
Kapde waali
Kaam waali
aur aakhir mein thodi bahut apni patni ke liye bhi jagah hoti hai
Sach mein aadmi ka dil bahut bada hota hai

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bank mein customer ne cheque dete hue poochha ki "Madam yeh kitne dino mein clear ho jaayega"

Madam: Kam se kam do-teen din lagenge.

Customer: Lekin madam itna time kyon lagega? Jis bank ka cheque maine diya hai woh to saamne waali duilding mein hi hai.

Madam (Bade hi shaant swar mein) : Sir main aapko kaise samjhun, procedure to follow karna hi padta hai na. Maan leejiye ki aap shamshaan ke saamne hi mar jaate hain to ghar waale aapki laash ko ghar le jaayenge ya wahin saamne nipta denge. Boliye?
Customer behosh!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arrested for laughing

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.

She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more.

She filed a court case on him. In the court the man said to judge in his defense was:

When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.

She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon- The unknown boon"..

I was even more amused when she then sat under a shaving advertisement,

Which read:- "William's stick did the trick".. Then I could not control myself any longer,

When on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident"..

The case was dismissed.

The judge fell off his chair laughing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Wives chatting in office :

Wife 1 : I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins.

How was yours?

Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing!

My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.

When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work

Husband 1 : How was your evening?

Husband 2 : Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep.

And what about you?

Husband 1 : It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill. So I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab or auto.

We walked home which took an hour & when we got home, I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house .

MORAL : PRESENTATION DOES MATTER......
NO MATTER WHAT THE REALITY IS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs?

Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.

Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa tez baarish mein doctor ke paas gaya

Santa: Doctor saab ghar par checkup ki kya fee hai?
Doctor 300/-
Santa: Phir jaldi chaliye doctor saab.
Doctor ne car nikali aur dono Santa ke ghar pahunch gaye.
Doctor: Mareez kahan hai?
Santa: Mareez-wareez koi nahi hai, mua taxy wala ghar tak jaane ke 500/- maang raha tha aap 300/- mein le aaye.
Santa Rocks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !
(You are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now!divorced; and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud ----
The extended version says...
Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know.
The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff !"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband.
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...

He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams:
I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!
He takes off his cape and screams:
I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!
The crowd cheers!!

Finally, a third man in cape lines up in position...

He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!!
Then the man takes off his cape and screams:
I AM...... SORRY!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Fifa World Cup is close by.
Let me give u a few rules that will preserve your beauty.

1. The remote control belongs to me for the whole month.

2. Tell all your friends not to gv birth or wed or die or wateva during the World Cup coz we won't go.

3.No talking during the game, wait for half-time or end of the game.

4. Repeats & highlights are as good as the main match, so am gonna watch them..

5. We can watch STAR PLUS provided actors and actresses are wearing soccer jerseys and they are in brazil.

6. U dont just pass infront of the tv if am watching soccer, u better crawl on the floor.

7. Make sure you don't ask silly questions such as; is this Chelsea versus England?

8. No funny faces to my friends when they come for soccer.

9. There shall be no comments about Cristiano Ronaldo's looks. Proffessonalism shall remain an absolute part of the WC.

10. If you miss the line up please dont ask, 'who is that guy?'

11. Ronaldo the Brazilian and Ronaldo the Portuguese are not related, Tanzania and Kenya did not qualify.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

➽Wife: Khana kha liya?
Husband: Khana kha liya?

➽Wife: Batao na.
Husband: Batao na.

Wife: Please... batao na.
Husband: Please..... batao na.

➽Wife: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?
Husband: Achcha ji! Meri nakal?

Wife: I Love U!!!
➽Husband: Haan yaar, khana kha liya maine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
➽Santa was caught by Mughal soldiers and they took him to their king Akbar.

Akbar: Kaun ho tum?
Santa: Jahanpanah, main Santa hun.

Akbar: Itni raat tum hamare mahal ke paas kya rahe the?
Santa, ghabraate hue: Ji... main...vo... kuchh nahin.. bas aise hi...

Akbar: Sipahiyon, isko bandi bana do...
➽Santa pleads: Nahin Jahanpanah, aisa mat kariye, please mujhe banda hi rehne do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

➽Doctor, pagal se: Yeh kya hai?
Pagal: Ye maine 500 panno ki kitab likhi hai...
Doctor: Tumne 500 panno pe kya likha?
Pagal➽: 1st page pe likha hai Ek Raja ghode par baith ke jungal ki taraf chala, aur akhri page pe likha ke wo Raja jungl➽e pahunch gaya.
Doctor: To beech ke 498 panno pe kya likha?

Pagal: Tigdik
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Ti
Tig
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Tigdik..
Doctor: Teri ye kahani padhega kaun?
Pagal: Facebook par post kar doonga, mere jaise log zarur padhenge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ek din khuda ne mujhse kaha: "Mat karintezar is janam mein uska, Milna mushkil hai.
Maine bhi keh diya: "Lene de maza intezar ka, agle janam mein to mumkin hai."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Mat kar itna pyar bahut pachhtayega."
Muskura ke maine kaha: "Dekhte hain tu kitna mujhe tadpayega."

Phir khuda ne kaha: "Bhool ja use, Chal tujhe jannat ki apsra se milata hoon."
Maine kaha: "Aa neeche dekh mere pyar ka muskurata chehra, tujhe jannat ki apsra bhulwata hoon.

Gusse mein khuda ne kaha: "Mat bhool apni aukaat tu to ek insaan hai."
Hans kar maine kaha: "Toh mila de mujhe mere pyar se aur saabit kar ki tu hi Bhagwan hai."

Phir khuda ne guuse mein uski mujhse shadi kara di. Sab bhoot utar gaya.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife to her husband: Suno, aate hue zara kitchen se namak lete aana.
Husband (kitchen se): Yahan to koi Namak nahi hai.
Wife: Mujhe pata tha, tum toh ho hi andhe, kaamchor kahin ke. Ek kaam dhang se nahi kar sakte, bas bahane banaate rehte ho, zindagi mein kuch to kaam karo. Mujhe pehle se hi pata tha ki tumhe nahin milega,
Isliye mein pehle hi le aayi thi.
Husband shocked

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
College Clerk: Beta yeh form tumne galat bhar diya hai. Yahaan address nahin naamlikhna tha.
Student: Vikas Puri mera naam hi hai jee.
College Clerk: Achcha aur pita ka naam?
Student: Ji Janak Puri.
College Clerk: Achcha Dadaji ka naam?
Student: Trilok Puri.
College Clerk: Hey Bhagwaan beta jaate jaate apni maa ka naam bhi bata do.
Student: Maya Puri.
College Clerk: Main yeh sub nahin maanta. Koi aaya he tumhare saath family se tumhaari admission ke liye.
Student: Ji mera bara bhai hai yeh.
College Clerk: Aapka naam?
Bhai: Govind Puri!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ek Boodha ek ladki se takra gaya.
Boodhe ne ladki se bola: Sorry!

Ladki: Andha hai kya..... Dikhta nahi hai... Is umar mein bhi ye sab... Pata nahin kahan se aa jaate hain!!!
Yeh bolkar jaise hi woh ladki aage badhi, ek handsome sa ladka us se takra gaya.
Ladka: Sorry...
Ladki, sharmaate hue, "Koi baat nahin. it's okay!!!

Woh boodha yeh sab dekh raha tha. Usne aakar ladki se poochha: MERI SORRY KI SPELLING GALAT THI KYA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pakistani, American aur Indian ek ship mein ja rahe the..

Achaanak ek Jinn aaya aur bola: "Samundar mein koi cheez pheko, agar maine dhoondh li to main tumhein maar dunga aur na dhoondh paya to main tumhara Gulam".

Pakistani ne sui phenki.

Jinn ne dhoondh li aur use maar diya.

American ne memory card pheka.
Jinn ne dhoondh liya aur use bhi maar diya.

Indian ne kuchh phenka...
Ginn ne bohot dhoondha, dhoondh dhoondh ke thak gaya aur poochhne laga.
"Batao mere aaka main haar gaya"

(Socho Indian ne aisa kya phenka hoga ki jinn uska gulam ban gaya?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Indian bola: "Main bhi tera baap hoon, maine Disprin ki goli fenki thi,
Chal Beta, ghar chal bohot kaam pada hai"

JINN Shocked & INDIAN ROCKED.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband aur Wife mein baatcheet bandh thi

Subah husband ko jaldi jaana tha.. uss ne raat ko paper par likha

"Mujhe subah 5 baje utha dena.. urgent kaam hai..!!!"

Aur paper wife ke takiye ke paas rakh diya...
.
.
.
Subah 8 baje jab utha toh dekha uske
upar bahut saare paper pade the

aur sab par likha tha,
"uth jao 5 baj gaye",
"pls. uth jao, warna late ho jaaoge"

Moral- Wife se panga loge to yahi haal hoga..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ek bhikhari bheekh mangne ke liye masjid ke bahar baitha tha. Sab namaazi aankh bacha kar chale gaye aur usko kuchh na mila..

Wo phir church gaya..
Phir mandir aur phir gurudware..
Lekin usko kisi ne kuchh na diya..

Aakhir me ek beer bar ke baahar aakar baith gaya..
Jo bhi sharabi baahar nikalta woh uske katore mein kuchh daal deta
Uska katora paison se bhar gaya...

Faqeer bola :- "Waah re Prabhu" Rehte kahan ho aur address kahan ka dete ho..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ek murgi ne ek Baaj se shadi kar li
.
.
.
.
To ek Murga bola : Hum mar gaye the kya??
.
.
.
.
.
.
Murgi Boli : Mai to tumse hi shadi karna chahti thi, lekin Mom-Dad chahte the ki mera pati Air-Force me ho

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband: Aaj khana tumhari maa ne banaya hai kya?

Wife: Haan..... Lekin tumhe kaise pata chala?

Husband: Roz khaane mei kaale baal nikalte the aaj safed nikle hain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janta maaf nahi karegi collection :---

1. Whatsapp par 2 km lambe message bhejne waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

2. John Abraham ko comedy film me cast karne waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

3. Har hafte Adobe update nikaalne wale logon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

4. Good morning ko Guuddd Morningggg..!!! Likhne waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

5. Chilar ki jagah, Eclairs dene waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

6. Har movie se pehle gutka mukesh ki ad dikhane waalo,
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

7. Ladkon ki reply par hmmm.. likhne wali ladkiyon,
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

8. "I love you but as a friend" kehne wali ladkiyon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

9. Har hafte set max par Sooryavansham dikhane waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

10. Sunny Leone ko sari pehnaane waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

11. Android per BBM use karne waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

12. 21 ball me 11 run bana ke world cup harvane waalon
# Janta maaf nahi karegi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: Do you want to stay with your mom?
Child: No. She beats me.
Judge: Then do you want to stay with your dad?
Child: No. He beats me too.
Judge: Do you want to stay with your grandparents?
Child: No, they also beat me.
Judge: Ok. So do you want to stay with your uncle?
Child: No. They beat me too
Judge: Ok. So tell me who you want to stay with?
Child: I want to stay with Mumbai Indians.
They dont beat anybody

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Headlines of 2050:

1. Rajnikant in DHOOM 22

2. Golmaal-15 ready 4 release.

3. I will play the next world cup-Sachin.

4. Shahid, Saif attended Kareena's 8th wedding.

5. Petrol-984 rs/litre.

6. Shahrukh khan's daughter becomes a heroine with Amitabh Bachhan in a luv story titled: Cheeni Khatam

7. CID completd 10,00,000 episodes.

8. Nokia launches new phone..wid facilities lyk..20 sim card,500 gb in built memory, camera,music player,TV,fridge & washing machine in phone.

9.Ram gopal varma's phoonk-23 again failed at box office.

10. India beat brazil in fifa world cup.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a grocer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.

The grocer was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a bag of fresh vegetables waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.

The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheeta Cigarette Ka Kash Lagane Hi Wala Tha Ki

Achanak Chuha Wahan Aaya
Aur Bola, Bhai Chhod Do Nasha,

Aao Mere Saath,
Dekho Jungle Kitna Khubsurat Hai.
Cheetah Chuhe Ke Saath Chal Diya.

Aage Hathi Cocaine Le Raha Tha,
Chuha Fir Bola,
Bhai Chhod Do Nasha,

Aao Mere Saath,
Dekho Jungle Kitna Khubsurat Hai.
Hathi Bhi Saath Chal Diya.

Aage Sher Whisky Pene Ki Tayari Kar Raha Tha,
Chuhe Ne Usse Bhi Woi Kaha.

Sher Ne Glass Side Par Rakha Aur Chuhe Ko 5-6 Thappad Mare.

Hathi Bola: Kyun Maar Rahe Ho Is Bechare Ko ?

Sher Bola: Ye Saala Roz gaanja peekar Aise Hi Sabko Puri Raat Jungle Ghumata Hai."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher was teaching Mahabaratha to 6th std students.
"Kans heard devaki's 8th son wud kill him. So he put devaki & vasudev in prison.

1st child was born. Kans killed it by poison.

2nd child Kans killed by sword. 3rd was born n so on...
At this point a boy raised his hand for a doubt.

Teacher : What?

Boy : "If Kans knew that the 8th son wud kill him,
why did he put Devaki & Vasudev in SAME jail?"

Teacher fainted ! Generation gap, but common sense

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tiger killed a Sardar in zoo.
A man asked why did u killed only Sardar in crowd?
.
.
Tiger- Aur kya karta... kab se bakwaas kar raha tha
"inni wadi billi"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dad : Son you have to get married I have seen a girl for u

Son:Not possible

Dad : Think twice she is Bill Gates daughter

Son: I m ready.

Dad goes to Bill Gates

Dad : My son wants to marry ur daughter

Bill Gates : Not possible

Dad : Think twice he is the CEO of Swiss Bank

Bill Gates : I m ready

Dad goes to Swiss Bank Authorities

Dad : Make my son the CEO of ur Bank

Authorities : Not possible

Dad : Think twice he is Bill Gates Son in Law

Authorities : Ur Sons job is confirmed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed..
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you, should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Doctor opened a clinic & wrote outside the clinic:
Any treatment will cost Rs.300/- and if we cant treat, we will pay you back Rs.1000/-.

A CLEVER Man comes to do fraud & thinking to get Rs.1000.

He says to the Doctor:
I cant feel any taste on my tongue...

Doctor asks the Nurse to put few
drops of medicine from box no 22.

After that the MAN shouts: "What d _____ ...its URINE!!
The doctor says congratulations your sense of taste is back now.

The MAN was angry as he lost Rs.300.
After 2 weeks MAN comes back again & this time he thinks to get back his previous 300 too.

MAN: Doc! I've lost my memory.
Doctor: Nurse! pls put some drops of medicine from Box no 22 on his tongue.

MAN : Wait doctor but that medicine is for sense of taste.
Doctor: Congratulations your memory is back.

Moral: Don't try to be over-smart with Doctors...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEN's Depression

- Business Slow Chal raha hai..

- Payment Time pe nahin aa rahi hai..

- Telephone/Light ka bill bharna hai..

- Gharwali ko Anniversary pe Gold leke dena hai..

- Family ki baaki demands bhi poori karni hai...

WOMEN's Depression

- Tailor se dress mangwana hai..

- TV pe jo Loreal ki nayi Lipstick dikhayi hai, Aaj sham Market mein Uski enquiry karni hai..

- Kitty friends ko apni nayi Fossil watch dikhani hai..

- Mall mein 50% Off Sale lagi hui hai, shopping ko jana hai..

- Bachcho ka Open Day hai... Uffff koi dress he nahin samajh mein aa rahi hai..

- Nanad se phone pe baat karni hai..

- Tupperware wali ko aaj ghar pe bulana hai..

- Bete ki result aaya hai(46%), kaamwali bai ke liye ek kilo mix mithai mangani hai..

- Aaj na jaane Pankhudi ka kya hoga..

- Raat ko baahar se kya mangaoon khane ke liye..

- Ye mobile ki battery bhi jaldi jaldi down ho jaati hai, main kisi se zyada baat bhi nahin karti..

- Yeh Landline ka bill 2560/- kyun aaya hoga?

- Ye Deepika/Aalia/Kareena/Katrina itni over acting kyun karti hain?

- Kal mandir kya pehen ke jaoongi?

- Profile Pic. change kiye 15 minute ho gaye hain.....abhi tak ek bhi like ya comment kyun nahi aaya hai..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question : What is love and explain in details ?.........(40 marks)

USA's Student.......
Answer: Love is life.
(marks : 10 from 40)
.
.
.
.
UK's Student......
Answer : Love is pain.
(marks : 10 from 40)
.
.
.
.



Indian Student........
Answer :
.
.
.
.
- Definition:
A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated

- TYPES:
1 sided & 2 sided

- AGE:
Usually occurs in teenages but nowdays can be found in any age

- SYMPTOMS:
Tension
Daydreaming
Insomnia
Phone Addiction

- DIAGNOSIS BY:
Diary
Photos
Mobile

-TREATMENT:
Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe
or
Mother's Sandal......

(marks 40 from 40) Excellent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares, just throw them.

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: Dont know, havnt seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chintu failed in Exam & decided to make a deal with Professor.

Chintu: Sir, Can I ask u one question

Professor: Yes.

Chintu: If u can answer dis question, I will accept my final marks, if u can't, u have to give me "A".

Professor agreed.

Chintu asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hrs & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy his "A".

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

Student answered: Sir, u are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

Ur wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, dis is logical but not legal.

Ur wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam & yet u have given him an "A", this is neither logical nor legal.

Professor Shocked!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalist for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same last question:

The mathematician was first. "How much is 500 plus 500 ?", they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the statistician. "How much is 500 plus 500?"
On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence replied the statistician
"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?"
What would you like it to be? responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Evolution of man:

Shadi se pehle-hero no. 1
Shadi k baad- coolie no. 1

Shadi se pehle: maine pyar kiya
Shadi k baad- ye maine kya kiya?

Shadi se pehle- Janeman mat jao
Shadi k baad- jaan mat khao

Shadi se pehle- tum bin raha na jaye
Shadi k baad- tum ko saha na jaye

Shadi se pehle- kuch to bolo
Shadi ke baad- kabhi chup b ho lo

Shadi se pehle- I luv you
Shadi k baad- aaj phir aalu?

Shadi se phle- milne kab aaogi?
Shadi k baad- mayke kab jaogi?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is Vicious Circle:

The boss calls his secretary & says:
"Get ready for d weekend, We r going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says:
"Me & my boss r going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"

The husband calls his girlfriend and says:
"My wife is going on a business trip come home we can have fun"

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition and says:
"No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his father:
"Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together."

Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says:
"Business trip is cancelled.
"I'm going to spend weekend with my son"

The secretary calls husband:
"I won't be going"

The husband calls his girlfriend:
"I am sorry My wife is not going "

The girlfriend calls boy:
"You have tuition"

Boy calls his father & says:
"Sorry Dad, I've classes"
The Dad calls his secretary

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Every wife must read this.....

Love ur husband
When he orders you to make tea or coffee.
He wants to feel fresh
to listen your nonstop talks.....

Love him
If he looks at all the beautiful females.
he is just checking that you are still the best.

Love him
If criticise your cooking,
he is still improving his taste.....

Love him
If snores at night and disturbs your sleep.
He is trying to prove that he is the most
relaxed person after marriage with you!

Love him
If he forgets to
give you a gift on your birthday
he is saving money for your future.

Love him...
Because you don't have a choice

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband: What do u think I am...a gardener ?

Wife: Can u fix the door handle ?

Husband: What do you think I am... a Carpenter ?

In the evening, when husband came from work, he saw everything has been fixed.

Husband: Who did all this ?

Wife: Our neighbour.

But he gave me 2 options.....

Either I should give him a burger or a kiss.

Husband: I am sure u must have given him a burger.

Wife: What do u think I am.......McDonalds

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said ABCDEFGHIJK

"What does that mean?" She asked.

"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot" he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, "What about IJK?"

He replied: I'm Just Kidding

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge?

Student: shaadi..!!!

Teacher: nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?

Student: dulha.!!!!!!!

Teacher: oh, i mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?

Student: dulhan...

Teacher: IDIOT mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge?

Student: Bahu laaunga

Teacher: stupid tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hai?

Student: Pota

Teacher: he bhagwan, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?

Student: Hum do humare do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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